"I Require A Certain Kind Of Love" Part 5 (Blog#17)

Moana was sleeping peacefully in her crib. She was cooing, smiling and kicking her legs with joy. She was experiencing something she had never truly felt before, that indescribable feeling of pure, raw uncut appreciation, fulfillment and love. She had finally won…a man she truly wanted was loving on her; finally seeing her worth…worshiping and returning her love… Moana was deep into her overly romantic thoughts when she felt a domineering presence hover above her. She shifted in hope that the presence would dissipate but it did not. She slowly opened her eyes and found Sasha’s serious and almost angry face looking down on her. Her hair was wild with intensity. Moana instantly tensed up. She knew she was in trouble. “You were dreaming about him weren’t you?” Moana said nothing. She just sniffled a bit. “Answer me Moana!” Sasha demanded with darkening eyes. “No!” Moana lied. Sasha grabbed baby Moana’s chin and made her make eye contact. “Don’t you lie to me Moana?” Sasha said calmly. Moana began to cry softly. She did not know whether to lie or tell the truth. Both would end badly. “No need to cry Moana. I am here to protect you…to look out for you. Who always has your back? Who always takes good care of you? “Y-you.” “Okay then. So, tell me. Were you dreaming about Antonio?” Moana was still afraid but she nodded the truth. “Why were you dreaming about him?” Sasha pressed. Moana shrugged her shoulders. “Moana…you can tell me... It’s okay.” Moana looked up at Sasha with her young naïve eyes. “Be-because he is sweet to me.” “Sweet like last time when he told you he did not want you, right?” “But he said he was sowee” uttered Baby Moana. She always wanted so badly to believe that people like Antonio were telling her the truth. She needed the fairy tale. “And you believe him, don’t you Moana?” Sasha said tenderly. “Yes…” Moana said timidly “So you trust him more than you trust me?” “N-no!” “Are you sure about that? Because I have told you time and time again not to come out of your crib for him because of how he treated you before. We know his kind. He will never love you the way you need to be loved.” Moana said nothing but felt the feeling of love being replaced with that of fear. “Do you remember why you created me?” Moana nodded. “At first it was just you and Cidney but you kept getting hurt over and over again. And it was always by men like Antonio. The super fine ones; the wishy washy pricks who wanted you one minute and didn’t the next. Do you remember the cycle? They want you until they have you right?” “Bu-but Antonio is different!” Moana protested. Sasha laughed, “That’s real cute Moana. But it was much cuter the first 100 times you said it.” A few long tears rolled down Moana’s face. “I w-want my mommie.” “Mommie is not here right now Moana! What the hell is wrong with you? Ever since he came into the picture you no longer listen to me! Every time I think I’m starting to get through to you, I catch your ass sneaking out again! What is it about this nigga that makes you defy me?! The one who has kept you pain free for years!? Don’t you appreciate me?” “Ye-yes I do.” Moana said through her tears. Sasha was hurting her feelings. “Well then do me a favor…let me and the others deal with Antonio. Please stay right here. Don’t let him see you again.” “So you don’t think anyone will ever want to love me?” Moana asked as her eyes were useless due to her salty emotions. “Oh, that’s nonsense Moana. Of course someone will love you…just not Antonio.” With that Sasha stormed off. Moana laid back in her crib and put the covers over her head. She felt horrible for making Sasha upset. Sasha would never steer her wrong. Moana decided she would do better. She would do what Sasha told her to do. She was going to keep herself far away from Antonio... ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

My eyes snapped open as I quickly began to take in my surroundings. I was not at my home. I was in a new place. There was a large window in front of me revealing the rain outside. It was early morning, the sun was just about to make its grand entrance. Underneath the window was a large dresser with watches and hats on it. Everything was neatly in its place. There was an arm around my waist; a strong dark arm with veins. It was attached to a man that lay slumbering behind me breathing deeply. I was being spooned. I carefully turned and looked behind me. The man was sleeping. The man was beautiful. The man was Antonio. I smiled as I looked at him. Turns out I had not been dreaming after all. I was in Baltimore with him at his home. He did surprise me with dinner and a bubble bath. I reached down between my legs and found some moisture. Some was my natural yoni juice and some was Antonio’s saliva. He did indeed lick me there. “It’s about you tonight, I don’t want you giving me anything but your company.” The night was over so I wanted to repay him for what he had done for me. I am a giver. I needed to give to feel complete. So, I snuck out of bed and headed for the bathroom to freshen up. Once I left I crept into the kitchen to see what he had for me to cook. I hoped he had something good because we did not stop by the store after dinner. I opened the fridge and found some bacon, and eggs. Then I found the ingredients needed to make some homemade pancakes.

“Yay!” I thought! “He will love my breakfast in bed!” I cooked everything with love. “One more thing missing…strawberries! I wonder if he has any.” I looked in the fridge again for some strawberries. “Yes! Gone head Ant!” I reached in to get them. As soon as my hand touched the plastic carton I had a vivid flash back of that awful dream I had about Antonio. I was making him the very same breakfast and he ended up laughing at me; telling me my tactic to win his love would never work. I instantly got afraid and into my own head. I started second guessing everything. Does he deserve all of this? Will he appreciate it? Am I doing too much? Will he take this as trying too hard? Am I acting like a groupie? Am I overextending for approval? “Nothing is wrong with cooking for him, Cidney.” I said out loud in an attempt to calm my thoughts. “You are right about that” said Mother. “Nothing is wrong with showing him you care. Besides, how is he going to know this is what you want if you do not show him by doing it first? This is what we do; we give. You should clean his place up a bit while you are at it. There is not much to clean but find something. He will appreciate it. Trust your mother….” “You should be fucking him. Hell you should have last night. Go in there and lick some balls or something.” Said the forever horny Leana. BEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEP “Shit!” The damn smoke detector was going off. I had left the damn bacon cooking while I deliberated with all the relationship experts in my head. I quickly removed the bacon from the stove and fanned the smoke as I looked for the smoke detector in hopes of silencing it before Antonio got up. Those hopes went up in flames when Antonio came rushing in the kitchen. “Hey, what’s going on? You okay??” “Yea!” I said shouting over the loud ass beeping. He went to the detector and fanned to silence. After it was quiet he walked towards me…shirtless…looking damn GOOD! CLAWD! “What were you doing in here cooking Cid?” “I-I wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed to pay you back for last night…I was looking for something in the fridge and the bacon burnt…I’m really sorry. I’ll buy you more bacon.” “It’s cool, don’t worry about buying me bacon. It wasn’t for me anyway.” “What do you mean?” “The bacon and eggs were for my daughters. I always keep stuff like that for them; which is why I had reservations made for us at this nice breakfast place downtown.” So yep! I stood there looking dumb…and feeling the exact same way. “Oh…shit. I fucked up huh?” “Yes you did.” I looked down at the floor. Really feeling like a bowl of shit. He smiled, laughed lightly and said. “I’m just kidding. You’re fine.” He walked up to me and softly grabbed my face. “I think you are a sweetheart for the gesture. But I told you I got you. Let me handle all the food and planning this time around okay? When I come to Louisiana you can burn up as much bacon as you want.” I laughed a laugh of relief. His tenderness was working on me in the best way. “I meant what I said last night. All I want you to do while you are in my city is breathe.” Forehead kiss. “Okay, beautiful?” He smiled at me and I smiled back. With some effort I relaxed into his intentions. Antonio has caused two of my personalities to take a seat. Mother and Moana down. 5 more to go…

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As Antonio took his morning shower I kept myself busy deciding what to wear to breakfast. I did not want to be too dressy yet I had to be sexy. The weather was nice so I could wear something showing some belly. "No," I thought. "I will save that for tonight. I will just wear a nice sun dress. " I had taken my shower before him so by the time he got out I was already dressed and made-up. When he opened the bathroom door and stepped out we said "Damn" in unison. He was just...perfect. I had always wanted to look at my man and feel 100% physically attracted to him. That is one thing I will not settle on. May seem shallow but it's simply fairness. When a man has the pleasure of experiencing me, he is not settling in the looks department so neither will I. Therefore, it is LAW: you must be beautiful to be my man. "You lookin good little nigga" He said with a smirk. "You look good too big nigga. You should just come to the restaurant like that so I can get a stiffy watching all the hoes slob all over you." He laughed and shook his head. "You are koo-koo." "And so are you. You are a fucking weirdo." "Aint nothing weird about me. Nothing." "Any man who will fly my ass to their city is weird." Normal folks have no desire to be around my ass." He laughed again. "I guess you have a point there." “I always have a point bumpkins! Now get some clothes on your ass before something strange happens to you." He laughed, got dressed and we were on our way. We laughed at the stupidest things the whole ride to the restaurant. He was really starting to open up more and it was great! The best part about the ride was that he never let go of my hand even for a second... Breakfast was going swell! We were still cracking jokes, enjoying each other like we were old lovers. I was laughing at him as he was telling me about how he used to be the "ugly duckling" back in high school. "Chicks didn’t like me, man. I was extra wack!" He explained. "I got no play!" "Why though?" I said through my laughter. The way he was talking was cracking me up. He was being all goofy and shit. "I don’t know. But it was funny when I started dancing and I would do the bachelorette parties for my old classmates. They’d be like 'Antonio, If I would have known you were going to turn out like this I would have made you my husband instead.' I’d be like HELL NAW you wouldn’t have nigga! If I would have known you would have turned out be 700 pounds I would not have tried to get with your ass back in the day!" As I laughed at him explaining how terrible she looked, I noticed a woman looking at us from across the room. She had a weird look on her face. Soon she was on her feet heading our way. I pointed behind him so he would look. He turned and saw her as she approached the table. I heard him mutter "Shit." "Hey Antonio..." She said as she looked over at me. "Hey Rhonda. What's up?" "I...texted you the other night...you never hit me back." Said Rhonda "You did? My bad, I must have been busy or something because I didn’t see it. Rhonda, this is Cidney. Cidney, Rhonda." "Hey!" I said with a smile. "Hi..." she said awkwardly and stumbled away... "Her energy was...odd. What's up with that?" I asked. "Rhonda is one of those girls you wish you never hit." He said. "I met her at the club on one of those nights. She offered the pussy, she was looking good, I took the pussy and she has been crazy ever since." "Crazy how?" "Just trying too hard man. Trying to see me, go out on dates the whole nine. She is cool but I don’t want all that." He said.

“So she is a forcer?”

“Forcer?”

“Yep, someone who tries to force situations such as communication, bonding, spending time when the other has shown little to no interest in doing the same.”

He laughed “Well, yes she was a forcer.”

I felt eyes on me. I looked up and there was Rhonda. Staring at our table like she had some real issues with what she was seeing. "Did you make that known to her that you were not interested though?" "Yes I did. I told her I wasn’t looking for anything serious, not to mention I barely respond to her text messages, never call her back and never make any effort to see her." "Sounds familiar" I said as I looked down at my plate. He stopped and looked at me...realizing he had just dug up old bullshit from our past. Listening to him speak like this about her made me recall the many times I had tried to connect with him on a deeper level and he had done the same shit to me. Sure, he told me he did not want anything serious but his actions at times said something different. Antonio was a man who could give you just a little and it felt like so much more. Was Rhonda really crazy or did she think he wanted her at one point and time? More importantly would I end up right back where Rhonda is? Did he treat her with the care and tenderness that he is treating me with right now only to suddenly change his mind, leaving her confused and strung out? Sad part is I saw myself in Rhonda and I was not a pretty sight. "I didn’t mean it like that Cid...besides look at where you are now. Here in Baltimore with me. I invited you here remember? It's clearly not like that with you." "Anymore" I added. "It's cool, I'm over it but it just makes me question how 'crazy' she really is." "Are you jealous?" He asked. "Nope, but my bladder is full. Gotta go pee pee. Be right back." I was partly honest with him. I did have to pee but I wasn’t sure if I was jealous or not. Actually looking back , I was feeling some kind of negative emotion but it was not that of jealousy. I just knew that I did not have a good feeling about anything that just happened. Maybe a good piss would help clear my head. While I was on the toilet I got a text from Cash.

"Hey baby girl, I hope you are enjoying Baltimore. Tell Antonio I said hey. Just thinking about you that's all. Love you." I smiled and returned his text. After I was done texting Cash I called August to check in. "Yo." He said. That's how he always answers the phone. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Cuttin hair." His usual response. "What are you doing? You and Antonio having fun?" "So far it has been great. He surprised me with dinner and a bubble bath. Your kind of shit." I said jokingly. "Shit no." He said. Just as I expected. "I'm cool with the dinner but miss me with that ol’ pussy bubble bath shit." I laughed at him. Romance is not August's thing. In that moment I realized how much I needed to be romanced...and that it was something I had grown accustomed to going without. While August was my baby...it was simply not in his make-up to nurture certain parts of me. Those parts...those people were finally finding their voice while I was here with Antonio. "Yea, yea I know August. But I loved it. It was very sweet." "Tell him to save some pussy for me." I laughed again. "Shut up, we haven’t even had sex yet." "Why not?" "He says he does not want anything from me but my company. I'm sure we will have sex but we just haven’t yet." "Okay then 2 points for Antonio." Said August. "As long as he is taking care of you we all good." I smiled. August always wants to make sure men are doing right by me. Given his age, 40, I call it the "daddy syndrome". "Aww you’re so sweet bookie!" I gushed. "Aww lawd here we go." He said. I laughed again. "I miss you." "Ummhmm" He always says that shit when I get mushy. "I do!" I said. "I believe you." Said my married lover. "When I get back you owe me some QT. You been slippin lately." I said. "I'm the one who dropped you off at the airport, how am I slippin?" "I appreciate that but still. I wanna cuddle with you." "Oh, Lord." He said with a laugh. "Okay, well I'm in the bathroom at this restaurant. Gotta go back to the table now." "Aight handle your business." "Bye, baby" "Bye" When I hung up I heard the bathroom door open and close. Hmm I thought, I didn’t hear anyone come in. I thought nothing more of it. I refreshed my lipstick and went back out to meet Antonio. As I approached our table I heard some female yelling. "...you know you are wrong for that!" As I got closer I saw that it was Rhonda and she was yelling at Antonio. "You try to act like you didn’t lead me on and you did! Just admit that shit and I will leave you alone!" "Can you chill out? We are in public!" Antonio was saying. "I don’t give a fuck!" She yelled even louder. By the time I was visible to her the manager was asking her to leave. When she saw me she said. "You niggas always choose the wrong woman! Here you are playing me to the left for her and she is in the bathroom talking about cuddling with some other nigga when she gets back in town! Talking about how much she misses him and shit! I would have NEVER done you like that Antonio! NEVER!" She was still screaming while was she was pulled out of the restaurant. "What the hell just happened?" I asked aloud. I turned to look at Antonio and he had a pissed off/ embarrassed look on his face. "Let's go." He said. He threw some cash on the table and stormed out of the restaurant.

On the drive back we rode in painful silence. I had no way of knowing what exactly had him so upset. Was it Rhonda and the scene or Rhonda and her words about me? How long was this bitch listening to my conversation? Was he going to send me back to BR? No way, he wouldn’t do that...would he? The thing that sucked the most about this ride home was the fact that he did not hold my hand...even for a second.

We pulled up at his house about 35 minutes later. Even though he was upset he still opened my door for me. When we got in the house he went to his room and sat down on the bed. I walked behind him feeling nervous as hell while I prepared my rebuttals. I could no longer take the silence so I had to break it. "Are you okay?" He said nothing just looked at me with those dark eyes. They could be so intense. I had to remove my eyes from his so I looked down and started taking off my shoes. I went over to him and attempted to sit on his lap but he stopped me. "Nah, I'm good." "Okay...are you going to talk to me about it? Cleary it's not just her you are upset with." "Who were you talking to in the bathroom?" "August." "Who?" "August." I said. "He is my lover back in Baton Rouge." "Why didn’t you tell me about him?" "I-I would have...I wanted to but you never seemed to want to know about that part of my life." "What part?" "The 'poly' part." I told him. "Think about it, you have never asked me about that in detail. I have tried to start that conversation but you never seem interested. So I just dropped it." "Why would you be talking to him while you are here with me though? That shit is mad disrespectful." "I did not think I was doing anything wrong. All I did was check in with him while I was in the bathroom. It's not like I did it in front of you." "Check in?" He stood up and walked towards the bathroom. "So you two are really together together? Like, that's your man?" "Antonio-" "Yes or no" "Yes, we are together and he knows all about you." "Wow." "I told you what kind of woman I was a long time ago Antonio. What he and I have has nothing to do with how I feel about you." "Is he the only one?" "...Ugh, does it matter?" "Answer me." "No he is not." "So what am I to you? Number 3 on your list?" "It's not like that Antonio! Give me a chance to explain this to you. I have wanted to have this conversation with you so many times but I never felt like I could. I did not go into detail about my lovers but I did tell you that I am not a monogamous woman. You kept on talking to me and you flew me out here so I assumed you were cool with that." The Cancer man said nothing. All of a sudden I got pissed. He was flippin this shit like it wasn’t his bitch that fucked up our breakfast in the first place! "Besides you ain’t the only one who got a bomb dropped on you today! She seemed to be convinced that you lead her on and something tells me she ain’t some crazy bitch who got some dick confused with love! So tell me, did you lead her on?" "Man no, I told you I didn’t!" "Sure, you told me. But women don’t usually show their ass like that in public for no reason. And it wouldn’t be the first time somebody has gotten the wrong idea about you. Are you going to play me like that?" "Play you? Girl you trippin! Aint nobody trying to play you!" "So did you lead her on?" "I ain’t about to repeat myself. I told you what it was." "You don’t need to repeat yourself. I got enough Deja vu in that damn restaurant a few minutes ago! " "So you gone believe her over me? Is that what you are saying right now? You don’t even know her!" "Yea but I know exactly how the FUCK she feels!" I said as I stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door. I sat down on the toilet breathing heavily. I was surprised at my own anger. I always tell people that if they decide to forgive someone for something, don’t go be with that person and throw what they did back in their face. And I had done just that. Just one more confirmation of the fact that all of the shit that is said so eloquently in theory is so much easier said than done. Crazy thing is I thought I was over it. I did not think I was still upset with Antonio about what had happened between us in the past. Or maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe it was a very sassy, borderline vindictive woman who never forgets when her loved ones have been mistreated...the fury in her voice sounded like it came directly from Sasha. She was very unhappy with Antonio and hated the fact that we were in Baltimore. All it took was for me to get a little upset for Sasha to slip through that open door. She had been wanting to let Antonio have it for some time now. Now I wasn’t sure how to feel about Sasha's actions. Was she justified or out of line? I wasn’t sure but I hated the feeling I had. Too many emotions at once. I wanted to cry but I fought back the tears. I did not want to show that kind of vulnerability. Would he still want me after that? Had I gone too far? Brought too much drama? Suddenly the fear of losing him brought me to my feet and I ran to the door, only to be stopped in my tracks by none other than Sasha. "Sit down Moana! His ass ain’t going nowhere and even if he does so the hell what?! You've got me! He better be glad I didn’t really go off on his ass. But we are not running behind his ass anymore! If we wants to talk to you he has knuckles. He can use them ashy motherfuckers and ask you to come out if he wants to." Right, I thought, if he wants to talk to me he can come in here. Besides, I am not sure how I feel about all of this so I am not ready to talk. Where is my phone? I needed to call LaShanna. She is my fellow poly Pisces sister who would know just what to do. Shit. My phone wasn’t on me. It was out in his bedroom and I wasn’t ready to face him yet. Guess I gotta figure this out on my own. Slam. That sounded like the front door. I sprung up from the toilet and ran out of the bathroom. His hat was gone... and I did not see his keys. I ran out to the front door and found it unlocked. "Antonio?" I called. No response. He was gone. He had left me. I felt something wet drop down on my arm. They were tears. I was hurt again. I drug my feet back into his bedroom and crawled into his bed. I felt like I had messed up. I felt like Antonio didn’t want me anymore.... "See? I told you he would end up leaving you." Said Sasha." Do not put your emotions into Antonio. He will always leave you crying."

(To Be Continued)

Photo Cred: Landis Smith