"I Require A Certain Kind Of Love PART THREE (Blog#11)

*To all new “Total Liberation Readers”, this blog is a continuation. Do not begin here. Please scroll to blog NUMBER 1 to better follow the story line-Thanks for reading=-)*

Here I am again. In my own sacred place. My head feeling light on his iron chest. It is safe here. I love riding the rhythm of his breaths; so grateful for his life. He is grateful of mine. My cheek feel the light stubble that protrudes from the tiny holes in his flesh. That slight scratchiness bothered me none. After all, it was his chest my head was laying upon?

It was a cold day in Baltimore but I felt nothing but warmth in my heart and heat between my legs. Blame Antonio Jackson for both increases in my bodily temperature. Every cell in my body was beaming with joy and what felt like complete adoration from all that he was. Was this what being in love felt like? I could only guess considering I had never been in that emotional place before…until now(?)

I did not want to think too much. I just wanted to feel. He moved his hand slightly across my lower back. He gave it goose bumps. All this man did was breath and I was sinking deeper and deeper out of this dimension and into another. A dimension that threatened to steal me away for good. Should I be careful here? Nope, didn’t want to be. Just wanted to be float fearlessly…

I opened my eyes to look up at him; much like I did in that hotel room in New Orleans a few months prior. He was still sleeping. My sleeping beauty. My sleeping Prince. What was it about this man that made me want to perform open heart surgery on myself and shower him with all the contents found inside?

He coughed and my motherly instincts kicked it.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Ummhmm" he said sleepily. And he drifted back off into his slumber.

I suddenly wanted to do something sweet for him. So I got up and bothered not to put my clothes back on. I made my way into the kitchen and looked through the fridge and cabinet of his lofty apartment. I found the ingredients to make pancakes. I also found the bacon, grits and eggs he purchased yesterday.

I prepared the batter with love and a few extra ingredients to make them taste like only I could.I fried the bacon to perfection and scrambled the eggs beautifully. The grits had my own flare as well. Then I carefully sliced some strawberries and placed them in between each pancake and topped them off with some powered sugar. The finished product looked like something off of the Food Network. I grabbed a tray and carefully placed some orange juice up on it.

I placed the tray on the night stand and softly kissed My King on his forehead and coaxed him to wake up. He could not hide the gratitude and pure ”blown awayness” off of his perfect face. That’s all I needed to feel wonderful inside.

He was trying to stop smiling but it was not working.

"Thank you baby." He said. I told him he was more than welcome.

I loved watching him eat. I loved seeing him happy like that. He loved my pancakes just like I knew he would.

He barely had his last bite down his throat before his dick was down mine. I loved the sweet taste of his pre-cum. It made my mouth water and my jaws work harder. Certain dicks I loved to suck and his was one of them. It was always all clean and shit. I loved to lift up his dick and get my face in between the base of his long shaft and his balls and inhale deeply. (What can I say? I am a bit on the odd side.)

As I was sucking his dick I was searching for left over traces of my pussy from last night but found none.

"Darn" I thought.

So I just reached down between my legs and found plenty of that slippery shit. I rubbed it on his dick and sucked it off. (I wanted to add alil wang to it.) This just intensified my hunger for his orgasm.

Then I turned on to SuperHead on steroids. My hands began working like I was molding clay. My head was bobbing like never before. He tried to back away but that shit was not happening. My jaws and lips created all types of popping, slurping and other nasty sounds. His moans of ecstasy filled the room.

I wanted to suck the love out of him and ingest it all. I was attempting to suck his heart out through that small hole in the head of his dick. I wanted him…I needed him…and I showed him.

My breasts were almost unrecognizable due to the layers of spit that were running down them from my over filled oral canal. But it did not stop there, my mess traveled from my mouth- to my hands-to my fore arms-to my thighs. It was an erotic slimey MESS…and we both loved it.

Soon he was moaning and shaking like crazy.

"GODDAMN!" He proclaimed to the world.

His entire body was contracting as if he was about to give birth. I am not a fan of cum but I was about to not only swallow his; I was going to suck it out of him as if his dick was the neck of some white bitch named Lucy and my name was Count fucking Dracula.

Once I did this he would be mine…Just a few more strokes…a few more tongue tricks…and I would have the man I wanted more than any other…

"Keep shaking like that baby…giving me all that lovin you got inside of you…" I thought.

Suddenly something changed. He was no longer trembling from pleasure… His body relaxed and he we was laughing.

"What’s funny?"

He looked down at me with an amused face.

"You." he said.

"Huh?" I said, feeling Moana started to come into the picture.

"You just don’t get it do you?" He said "None of this is going to work. You live in Louisiana and I live in Baltimore. I should have never invited you here. Besides, when have you ever gotten a man like me before anyway? You know the drill. The ones you really want, never feel the same way about you. You would think you would learn."

I fell back on my bottom and literally cried like a baby. I ran my tongue over the place where my teeth were supposed to be to find nothing but gums. I looked down at my hand and found a rattle. I looked down at my body and it was no longer nude. It was dressed in a light blue onezie. Then I noticed my chest…there was a growing red puddle of blood right were my heart was. The more I cried the larger it got.Baby Moana was dying…

Antonio’s laughter grew as did his physical body.

Before long… I could no longer cry…I-

Woke up.

It was the morning after my hurtful conversation with Antonio. He had invaded my dreams once again. This time it did not end happily like all the rest. It had ended just has painfully as our exchange last night over the phone. I did not feel like going to work that day. I wanted to call in but I could not. To the dealership I went….

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"No! Fuck that! He is wrong for treating me this way! He is fucking stupid! He led me on on purpose! I don’t understand these dumb ass men these days! What the fuck does he mean "he wish it never happened’. Shit, not as much as I wish it never did. I wasted my damn gas driving to New Orleans for his ass. I could have stayed at home in my fucking draws!"

I was selling cars at the time and I had hijacked a hide out Camry. I was sitting in the car yelling into phone. I was doing some serious venting to my closest friend/spiritual adviser Julius Marcus. He was trying to stop me but it was not happening. It was rare that I was pissed but THAT day…it was ON!

"Cidney, you know better-" Julius started. I cut his ass off with the quickness.

"JULIUS, I DO NOT WANT TO BE RATIONAL OR WISE RIGHT NOW! I WANT TO BE PISSED AND BLAME HIM FOR THIS SHIT!"

I am not sure which personality this was but she was crying and screaming at the top on her lungs. She knew she was placing blame on the wrong person but she did not want to apply anything Angela had read. She wanted to be normal for a change. She wanted to blame others for the way she felt. It felt good for a little while. It was much easier than taking full responsibility for her own feelings. In that moment she understood why people spent their whole lives pointing the finger at everyone but themselves.

"I have deleted all his shit! I have deleted all of our text messages and Glide messages! I am OVER IT!"

She knew that last line was a lie. She was hurt all last night and the dream she had DID NOT HELP! She actually started the conversation like a she had some sense but the more it went on, the more pissed off she became.

As she came down from her angry high, the hurt returned. And she knew the person she was really angry at was herself.

She calmed down and caught her breath.

She could not believe he got under her skin this way…but he had. As hard has it was for her to admit. She simply saw what she wanted to see. She read deeper into everything and could not see past what she wanted. She gave him so much of her energy. So much thought time went to him, so much mental planning. She actually thought she was “winning”. She had never desired a man as much as she did Antonio and she thought she was getting close to her “prize” and it had been all in her head.

"Sometime, we get disillusioned when we really care for someone." Julius’s kind words floated through the phone into my ear. "We just have to look at what people are actually doing versus what we would like them to do."

I knew there was truth in his words yet the tears still came. Just as I had expected, no “good morning” text message came to my phone that morning. I felt a little empty without him. Nothing was exciting that day. I just wanted to feel better.

How could I be so wrong? I thought? How could I not see that he did not want me?

Why didn’t he want me anyway? Is it because I am poly? Am I not pretty enough? What is wrong with me? Why can’t he see that I truly cared about him.

I thought back on the various horoscopes I had read about how compatible Cancers and Pisces were and on the many dreams I had had about us being together. I had even had Julius do a reading about us and it revealed that one day he would give me his heart.

There had been so many days that I would sit at my office at work and fantasize about him claiming me as his girl on his InstaGram page. I just knew we would make it to that point. It hurt to be so wrong.

After a deep sigh I said ” Well, of course I know that I not only attracted this situation into my life but I did not pay attention to the signs. I know that something great will come from this. Not sure what but something will shake. I just need to really journal about this. I cannot sort it all out in my head.”

Most of my clarity came from journaling. Angela would take the lead on that one. I knew that once I sat down and wrote things out, I would feel much better.

"Thanks for listening to me Joolee… I want to be alone now. I will call you back."

"Okay, sweetie" He said.

We hung up. My thoughts were racing and all jumbled. My journal was calling me. I needed to figure out how I felt about all of this. Because right then, my feelings were literally all over the place.

I went to my office to grab my journal and pen. Then stormed back outside to my hide out Camry. I was not in the emotional condition to get anybody to buy shit that day.

I started to write. It was hard to write legibly through my tears. That’s when I felt Baby Moana take over. My bottom lip was poked out like a child and I sniffled pitifully. I became a baby that lost her daddy in that Camry that day.

(What I am about to share with you is directly from my personal journal.)

" I have been up to my old tricks again. Trying to force shit and clinging on to a drop of "affection" and riding it to fumes. There is nothing between him and I. He had made that clear to me. I feel stupid again. I guess my dreams about him combined with the reading had me thinking there was a chance that I could win his heart. I feel like I have been making a fool of myself…why? I just want him to love me."

This entry showed me many things about myself. I began to connect my thoughts and fears with what had manifested.

I began to reflect on many instances when I would have this fear that he would suddenly lose interest when he had given me no reason to think that way. Though I had come extremely far, I did not fully believe that I would be able to get Him. I found myself second guessing myself on things that I should not have been; like my physical looks. It was times when I wondered if he found me attractive. I wanted him so badly that it was almost as if it did not know know to act on the inside. He may not have ever known I felt this way but sometimes my energy would get shaky.

I put most of the emphasis on HIM not myself.

For instance. In the first blog I said something to the effect of ” I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that he chose me to go home with.”

While that is true, he did select me. I could have had any dancer in that room I wanted but I CHOSE HIM!

I could think of “losing” any other man and feel okay with it but the thought of losing Antonio scared me more than I was comfortable with.

This made no sense though! Out of all the lovers Antonio had done the LEAST to deserve all of precious energy yet he was getting THE MOST of it from me! What was THAT about?

Esther Hick’s quote: ” You get what you think about weather you want it or not.”

Had proven true. My innate fears of losing him is why he had left. I was grateful for this. It showed me the areas I truly needed to work on. Sure, I said I was ready for more lovers etc but this proved that I was not yet there.

I knew what I needed to do. I was beginning to feel better.

I was about to call Julius and share with him what I had discovered when I got a Glide message.

I almost did not open it because I knew who it wasn’t but I did anyway.

And I’ll be damned…It was Antonio’s ass.

Smiling, laughing and cracking jokes and shit like he had not just torn my heart to shreds.

"Good morning Ciiid!!!” He was saying.

I was even more confused. I called Julius back and told him the news.

Now, I was back pissed. “Why is he sending my Glide messages!? What is his deal? Why is he playing with me?I am not going to respond! I have no reason to!”

I played hard a bit there, I was slightly relieved yet still confused. Did he want me or not? And if he did, what did he want from me?Little did I know, the mixed signals were just beginning.

"Maybe he still wants to be friends with you."

I was not trying to hear that shit.

"Ima call you back." I said and hung up.

What the hell was this about? How could he be so insensitive?

I put my phone down and kept writing. About an hour went by and I got a text message from Antonio.

"Wow, so you are not speaking today? Okay, that’s cool. Sometimes people come for life lessons…And sometimes people just need A FRIEND. Jah Bless"

These were not his exact words but this was the moral of the story.

In my mind I felt this meant that he did have feelings for me and that he was just as confused as I as. Maybe he did like me after all and was just fighting it due to the long distance. I was not sure.

I did respond this time and I know why. I wanted him to know that I was still there. I did not want to be left, even if its “my idea”.

" Calm down, my feelings are hurt and I am just trying to sort of how I feel."

He did not respond back to me.

Later that night I text him and said:

"So, you are not speaking to me now?"

"Of course, I am speaking to you. Why would I not? You are the iffy one all in your feelings. Cant even say Good Morning."

"Me? Iffy? I have been extremely consistent with you. I have way more unanswered text messages than you do. It seems like you are the one in your feelings because I took longer than 5 minutes to respond to you. Spoiled ass."

"I can be that" he said.

And spoiled he was. I played a huge part in that. I was always very available to Antonio. He never had to wait long to hear from me. At times I wondered if I wastoo available.

I told him nothing of the extent in which he had hurt me. I played it cool. In fact, he will not know the extent until he reads this blog. (Whenever that will be).

The next morning the good morning messages continued and we were back to normal. I tried to keep my guard up but I was not good at that. Soon, I was back were I had began. Slowly, but surely falling in love with Antonio….

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About a month and a half went by and I found myself a bit bored with our daily routine. He was reaching out daily yes, but I wanted to feel close to him. I wanted to know more about him. Yet, he proved to be a very difficult person to get to know.

One day I tried to get him to open up to me more and when he didn’t, I showed my disappointment.

Then he send me a Glide message I was cringing as I opened it. I heard him say something like ” I guess you want me to open up…you get what I give you…something something.” Honestly did not listen to the entire message. I felt little bombs go off around my heart. I was hurt again.

I went somewhere and cried. I took his message that I only heard parts of as a personal rejection and I couldn’t take it.

I did not speak to him for two days. I did exactly what I hate done to me; I disappeared without giving a warning or reason and made no effort to express my feelings.

I realized that while I have always prided myself on being an excellent communicator, I did not know how to communicate when my feelings were hurt. I guess it would have been easier to do had I felt secure in the fact that Antonio actually cared about them.

Also, communicating the true extent of my feelings for him required the conjuring up Baby Moana and I did not feel comfortable enough with him to let her out. He had proven he did not appreciate her.

It became clear to me that while I accused Antonio of being guarded, I was not too different than him. It was many things I wanted to say to him yet did not due to my fear of rejection or of lack of concern on his part.

He helped me remember just how sensitive I truly am. He made Baby Moana’s existence incredibly clear to me.

I felt stupid again. I was starting to feel sorry for myself because he did not want me. I knew better than to let this drag on. So I went to my journal.

It is through writing that I connect with my Higher Self or Source Energy the most clearly. Higher wisdom just pours out of me. This again, is directly from the pages of my journal:

"Higher Self: If you cannot help getting disillusioned and speaking to him daily then cease contact for a while with no ulterior motive. The reason you would cease contact is because you are not getting your needs met in the relationship and you need to take time for yourself. There should be no plot to get him to "come to his senses" in your absence because it is you that needs to come to yours.Wake up and feel your worth! You are in control of how you feel. His presence or absence has no power to effect you in a negative way unless you allow it! You desire love from a beautiful man and you are being much too specific. He is not the only beautiful man on the planet. You have allowed your desire for this man to create a false limitation. There are men much more beautiful and compatible out there for you. However, you must get in alignment with them! The best way to do this is to REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! You are pure positive energy, YOU ARE THE LOVE YOU SEEK! IT CANNOT BE TAKEN AWAY NOR GIVEN TO YOU BY ANTONIO NOR ANY OTHER OUTSIDE PLACE! Give no more energy to feeling bad about this. As of now you must only focus on what you WANT!"

(Are you beginning to see why Antonio is so dear to me??? He has helped me grow in so many ways.)

During this entry it became clear to me that I did not need to take everything so personally. I tended to do that with men I cared for deeply. My taking things to heart always led back to my inherent belief that I would not get a man that I TRULY desired. I wanted to break these bad habits and it would have been impossible had it not been for Antonio stirring up all this old residue that was inside me, helping me to see what old habitual thought patters (beliefs) needed to rid myself of.

I was making progress but I still had more work to do, And I felt ready=-)

I felt much better after this ,and as a result ,Antonio sent me a Glide message the following morning. I responded with a pure response coming from a very clear happy place.

Yet, then arose another “problem”. This pink elephant was still dancing around the room.

I had deep feelings for this man and had yet to be clear with him about this. Sure, I felt I showed him but I had not just come out and told him how I felt. I did not want to do this…at all. But I felt it would need to be done at some point soon.

So it was the first night after my two day disappearing act. I sent him a text message that read:

"One of these days, I will have the courage to tell you how I really feel."

I was not expecting him to respond to that message. He usually ignored anything slightly emotional. Antonio only responded to the things he wanted towhen he wanted to respond to them. He left me hanging many times but once I care…I don’t stop showing it until I no longer do.

But to my surprise, he did respond via Glide.

He was laying down in his bed looking flawless with a red banana on his head. He looked charmed.

"Tell me, Cid. What is it you are feeling?"

I replied “I’m shy”

He laughed ” You ain’t shy nigga…but its okay baby… I wont pressure you until you ready okay?”

The tenderness in his voice both shocked and melted me. Him calling me baby did just intensified what I was already feeling for him…Did he like me after all? His kindness gave me courage I did not have a few minutes before. So, I told him how I felt the best I could.

After starting to the small camera on the front of my phone for several seconds I finally said. “I feel all lame. I don’t want to have feelings for you but I do. You made it clear you don’t want me…I just… feel all lame.”

His next glide message began with laughter.

"Awe. Does Ms. Green have a heart for Antonio? That’s sweet. I think I saw it all in your face. You look so cute when you’re all speechless."

Even though he did not give me much back in return, I felt like weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

"Wow" I thought. "That went much better that I thought it would. maybe I was making too much of a big deal about all of this."

The next day he was very sweet to me. He was calling me “baby” ten times more than usual. He was nothing like the monster in my dream. In fact, he wasn’t a monster at all. He was very sweet and kind.

Julius’s words echoed in my mind:

"Cancer men will do that. They are very guarded. They won’t open up until they feel secure in the fact that you have true feelings for them. They may even stir up some shit, just to make sure you care. Typical Cancer behavior."

I know a few Cancers. In fact, my favorite singer of all time was a Cancer; Phyllis Hyman. I read her bio twice. Reading that gave me a speical insight of Cancers. Cancers are BEAUTIFUL people! They are very giving, sensitive( THEY FEEL EVERYTHING) and loving yet every cancer I know has extreme bipolar tendencies which could be hard to deal with at times but I was willing to stand by him through all of that. That’s how special he was to me.

"Hmm I thought. Maybe this is all I needed to do all along."

I felt like I was finally getting somewhere with him.

"Maybe he did like me this whole time. Maybe I was just not being clear enough with him verbally." I thought.

He was nothing like the monster in my dream. In fact, he wasn’t a monster at all. He was very , attentive, sweet, funny and kind.

I went to bed that night feeling like I was on top of the world. I escaped into my dream world where Antonio and I were playing, laughing and having great sex at his place or at mine. I felt like I was…winning his heart again…

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So for the next couple of weeks things were great between Antonio and I were great! We have more attentive and affectionate with his words than ever before.

Until one night when he got smart with me via Glide about something petty. Antonio or not, I will get back with your ass. I love hard but I am not a door mat- AT ALL. So, I did just that! I got back with him! It was such a small thing that I was literally asking him how his day was at the end of the very same message.

But, Mr.Jackson became less and less attentive. He was disappearing on me. That “thing” was so small that I did not even considered that to be a reason as to why he was acting stupid.

I asked him what was wrong. He told me nothing.

"Okay…" I thought.

Had I not been heavy into my personal development at the time, I would have taken this much harder.

So then after about four days of barley talking to me. He sent a Glide message skinning and grinning n shit. (Typical Antonio, this nigga is crazy)

Then he RANDOMLY calls me.

"Hey Cid."

"Hey Antonio"

"How are you?"

"I am good…you?

"I am blessed."

"Glad to hear it." I said. "Nice to have you speaking to me again after weeks. What was going on with you?"

"Nothing was going on. You just had to be let loose for a minute…You were showing off."

It did not register until a couple of days later that his crazy dude was “punishing” me for some petty shit. And he has never even TOLD me that, I had to connect the damn dots on my own. #crazyasscancermen.

"Ummmkay.:" I said.

"But look. I have been thinking." He started. " I want you to come down to Baltimore."

I could not believe what I was hearing…

"Huh?"

"You heard me nigga!." He said with a laugh. "I want to invite you to my city."

I had been wanting to hear him say these words since I laid eyes on him! “The man I craved wanted to fly me to B-more!” I thought.

But then to my surprise…Some fear arouse within me…I thought about the dream I had. I was in Baltimore when Moana died…Was my dream a sign NOT to go?

Sure, I wanted to spend time with him but what if that will only end up causing me more pain in the long run? Didn’t he tell me we did not want to get serious with me? Is all of that changing? Does he mean what he is saying? Am I dreaming again? Can I trust this man with my heart? Because a weekend with him and my heart would be his.

What if we saw each other and we literally feel in love with one another…What would I do with all of those emotions? What if I got down there and never wanted to come back?

"Cid? You there?"

"Ye-yea…I’m here."

"I would really like you to come up…Do you want to come?"

I just held the phone and said nothing.

I never thought in a million years that Antonio Jackson would ask me to come and spend quality time with him….and I would not know what answer to give him…

All I knew was that whatever answer I gave him could totally change the dynamics of our relationship for better or for worse…

Where the hell was Julius when you needed him?

(To Be Continued)

Copyright 2014 Cidney G. Green

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FVDGDF