The One Who Loves Me Most: Part ONE(Blog#4)

*To all new “Total Liberation” readers: this blog is a continuation. Do not begin here. Please scroll to blog number one to better follow the story line-Thanks for reading=-)*

Mid April 2014:

"Be careful with her. She is my wife. I’m going to marry her" Cash told his passionate friend named Rico as he fingered me on the couch.

I looked over at my King and found so much lust and love in his eyes. He was enjoying this. He was enjoying watching his best friend make me cum with his fingers.

Cash reached over and caressed my face and asked “Are you okay baby?” with his thick Bahamian accent.

"Yea" I answered breathlessly.

I was totally nude in a room full of men. Three to be exact. There was my King who adores me, Cash. His sexy, promiscuous childhood friend Rico and their gym buddy Aaron. All of them praising my body. Telling me how beautiful, perfect and sexy I was. I got to listen to how flawless my breasts were. How naturally beautiful I was… Ladies, take a minute to imagine this;

A room with three sexy, muscular, perfectly sculpted, passionate men. All of them lusting after you. All of them wanting you. Each one wanting to out do the other when it comes to pleasing you. Imagine every physical flaw you think you have, becoming perfect. Imagine having a man who loves you, there supporting you, and making sure you are okay. Imagine this…Take a moment and imagine how it feels to be worshiped…

It was the definition of Total Liberation…

I look at Cash again. Loving and appreciating him more than ever.

How did we get to such a remarkable place?

As you know, I am here to share it with you.

Rewind back to June of 2012. It was a very significant time for me and my personal development.

Earlier that week I was balled up in my living room floor sobbing because I had just come to the startling realization that I had literally created every disappointment when it came to men. Me, “the victim” was the one who had ”protected” herself into each heartbreaking situation.

I was not yet aware fully of the power of thoughts and feelings at the time but I knew this; each man I was slightly interested in, left me within a week. I could not hold a man’s attention to save my life. A year prior, I emerged from 2 years of celibacy. I figured no sex equaled a boyfriend.

After those two years of turning down good dick, I found that my relationship status had not only NOT changed, but it confused me even more.

How can I go around, not be “easy” and still be single as hell?? Mama and them always told me that if you want a man then it’s simple, don’t give up the draws until he commits. I hadn’t fucked in two years. So, why weren’t the men knocking down my door with flowers and shit BEGGING to seal the deal??

So, I started back sexing and felt horrible about myself afterward.

Months went by. I was having sex with men I had been knowing 2 years, 2 months, 2 days and still NO DAMN BOYFRIEND! I was beyond confused. I went from thinking no sex would get me a man to thinking sex would get me one. Neither theory checked out. Hell, I was clueless and totally dependent on men for happiness.

So that day I was in the fetal position on my living room floor, it hit me; I had so many defense mechanisms that I was unaware that were literally keeping love AWAY from me!

The men I wanted, never could seem to “make time” for me. I realized that I did not feel I was worth a man’s time which is why I never got it.

But why would I feel that way? I was pretty, smart, and had my own place and car. I was great in bed. I was monogamous. I was loyal, giving and caring. I could cook. Why would I not think I was worth a man’s time?

A voice said loud and clear “Because you’ve never gotten it before. Name one man that you truly desired that you actually got to love you.”

I sobbed harder. The faces of man after man flashed through my mind. Every last one had left me.

That’s when I realized I did not EXPECT any of my relationships to work out. Even though my mouth would say something different, I expected to be left. And I did not even realize it. It had gotten then bad.

"But why?" I asked myself.

I began to remember the pain of my high school life. I had my first “relationship” with a 16 year old rapper named Young Shod. I was so in love with him. I would take anything from him as long as he was around. He would call me bitches and hoes. This relationship was very emotionally abusive.

I had another one with a guy named Kornell Robinson. He cheated and the relationship ended.

After that, each man went through what I called “the cycle”

They met me, acted interested, and left. This entire cycle usually took less than a week.

Every disappointment was confirmed by my beliefs of unworthiness.

I had internalized all the pain from high school, which had created defense mechanisms. Those defense mechanisms required me to “prepare for the worst and hope for the best” Sound familiar? Lots of people use this horrible philosophy. Why do I say its horrible? Because this is what it means:

"I really want this to work out for me and I will say positive things about it with a smile, while I will convince myself of the worst case scenario. I will think and focus on what I do not want to happen, feel the feelings of that in advance, so that if it does not work out for me, I will somehow feel better about it."

LOL

So, as I did this, Law of Attraction gave me more and more of what I was focusing on and then I developed serious abandonment issues when it came to men.

I also realize that I had never seen a woman get treated like a queen. I had only seen women give give give and get bits and pieces in return. I was doing just that and blaming the men for my misery. (Sound familiar???)

All of this hit me like a ton of bricks and in that moment I decided to think in the total opposite manner than I had been thinking. I went from “they will leave me.” to “they will stay.”

Soon after, I get a “random” Facebook message. It was from a male model from the Bahamas who lived in Miami. He was gorgeous and had somehow found me in some photos I was tagged in.

We chatted on Facebook and I made a conscious effort to feel good about where this would lead to.

We exchanged numbers and started talking quite a bit. There was a strong connection that neither one of us could deny. We had Skype dates and he always kept his word. He was very attentive, he was sweet and sexy as hell!

At this time I was just beginning my journey into open relationships. I am much wiser now but I knew I did not want to drop all of my lovers just because I had found a new love interest. Nothing about doing that felt right .

When I told him about my views, at first he was not for it. He was 32 years old and “set in his ways”.

As time went on he did not talk to me any less and our connection grew.

I’ll never forget that night in July of 2012 when he booked his flight to come and see me in Louisiana. I couldn’t believe it! This gorgeous, sweet and affectionate man had not only been calling me DAILY for more than a week, but he is traveling thousands of miles just to see me!! This was huge for me considering there were men I had cooked for and fucked who wouldn’t come across town to my house.

So fast forward to mid August, the day I was due in New Orleans to pick him up from the airport. I am nervously putting rose pedals all over my house. A friend of mine and I put the rose pedals from my front door, to the living room, to the bedroom, and to the bathroom. We put them on my bed and we had candles all over the place. We even had chocolate on my living room table. It was something out of a movie. We had it all planned out. I would text her when I was close, she would light the candles, leave my key in the window and leave. I was anxious. I was nervous. I was excited.

So I arrive at the airport in a burnt orange dress and heels. Nervous but cool at the same time. I spot him and we embrace. Both of us feeling the “first encounter jitters”. The ride back to Baton Rouge was pretty smooth. We talked and we listened to my music. He said I had a beautiful voice.

When we got home he was blown away by what my friend and I had done to my place. I truly love doing things like this for my lovers. I love making them feel thought of, loved and special. I love wiggling my way into a man’s heart.

Soon after that, we made love for the first time. It was interesting but does not stand out in my mind like the second time we had sex.

You see, soon after we had sex an issue revealed itself. I wanted round two, he did not. Not even after I tried to get his dick hard again. A woman never likes to feel like she can’t get it up. It does a number on our ego. Then the truth was uncovered…Cash had a low sex drive. I did not.

In our conversation he stated that, for him, sex every other day was sufficient. I was thinking “Aww hell naw!”

I love sex. I would fuck all day if I could. Once every other day just wasn’t gonna cut it. Not for a woman like me.

This was when things got interesting. After lots of going back and forth he said.”I want you happy, so if you need to call someone to give you what you want then I won’t stop you.”

I softened a bit. We revisited our phone conversations about open relating. I reminded him of my fantasies.

"Baby, I want to love you and other men," I said. "I want to have passionate sex with two men that I desire. I want at least one of them to be a man that loves me."

"Is that all you want? Just sex with two men?" he asked

"No, I want to love many. I have someone now that I care about and I never want to have to choose between men that I care for. I want you both. I want you to have the same freedom. I want us to be best friends. I want you to know you can tell me anything. I want to watch you fuck other women. I want you to watch me fuck other men. I want us to go out together and find women to bring home with us. I want to surprise you with three women for your birthday. I want to listen to you fuck your women in Miami over the phone. I want you to love me and me love you without all the rules. I want you to meet my lovers and vice versa. I want us to grow together. I want us to be able to talk about jealously if it arises. I want you to be my King."

He was silent for a moment. Then he looked up at me and smiled. He kissed me and said ” Let’s do it baby! Let’s grow together.”

I squealed and hugged him. The deal was sealed.

Soon we were trying to organize my fantasy. I was trying to contact a male dancer I knew to come and give me what I wanted. He was a friend and I felt comfortable with him. My baby was fully supportive. Before y’all get too excited, it did not go down, but we tried.

That night it got very interesting. I am not sure how this happened but he ended up smacking me around a bit before sex and it got his dick hard. Wrestling and him over powering me effortlessly did something to him and to me. I liked him getting rough with me. I loved his strength. It made me wet.

I have a true submissive side that I love to display. Not every man has the privilege of seeing that side of me. Not every man can smack me around. Not every man can call me a bitch. Not every man can touch me the way he does. I am different with each lover and with him; I am his little whore.

The truth is I have always had a rape fantasy and he gave me the essence of that. He was intense, he was mean, he was sexy.

Before I knew it he was on top of me, shoving his thick dick in and out of me with force. Calling me a whore. I answered to my new name.

"Is this how those other niggas fuck you?" he asked

"Yes." I gasped as he held me down with my wrists above my head.

He got even rougher. He grabbed my neck and demanded that look at him.

I did. The look in his eyes was that of anger, lust and excitement. I was gone. I was loving this. He could do no wrong.

Even though at times he did hurt me, I liked it too much to stop. I grabbed his wrist and tried to remove his hand from around my neck. The fact that my strength did not compare to his excited me. My “attempts” to push him off of me just made him punish me more. I love watching his sculpted muscles flex as he used me. His biceps, tight as he grabbed my face and called me a bitch. I told him whose bitch I was and he came hard. We were both fucking insane. We both came like wild animals. Now you see why I don’t remember the first time we had sex?

The rest of the trip was nice. I took care of him like a good little girl. And he took care of me like a Queen. The only time he was ever rough with me was during sex. To this day he never even raised his voice at me. He was very nurturing towards me. Always opening doors and making sure I was safe. He loved to wrap me in his strong arms and hold me tight. In public he proudly displayed his affection. Always maintaining some physical contact with me, which was very appreciated. I never had to worry about a thing when I was in his presence.

Soon after he left, he got to listen to me get my pussy eaten by a lover of mine. I think I got off on that more than anyone else involved.

"What is he doing to you?” Cash said in my ear through the phone.

"He-he is eating my pussy." I said with shaky breath

" You like it?”

"Oh, God YESSSS." I moaned. The man eating my pussy was a damn genius at cunnilingus. I have had some great head in my day but he is in the top 3. He was relentless with his tongue on my clit. He loved eating it so much that he would do it for hours. He would come over just to eat my pussy. It was times I had to fight back tears. He used to tell me he was addicted to the taste of my pussy. (He had great dick too by the way. We are still in contact to this day. I will love him forever.)

"You letting him lick my pussy baby?" my King asked.

"Oh, fuck yes I am!" I whined. He paused.

"You gonna let him fuck you?” He asked

"Yes, I’m gonna let him fuck me." I said in my little girl voice.

"Fucking whore."

"Yes…I am baby I’m sorry." I told him as my lover tried to kill me with his tongue.

He let out a small grunt. He was stroking his dick.

At THAT point. I knew it… I was totally addicted to this poly life. I could never go back to bondage… EVER….

What happened just a few weeks later truly shocked me…I wonder if it will have the same impact on you…

(To Be Continued)

Copyright 2014 Cidney G. Green