I Require A Certain Kind Of Love Part ONE (Blog#3)

*To all new “Total Liberation Readers,” this blog is a continuation. Do not begin here. Please scroll to blog number one to better follow the story line-Thanks for reading=-)*

This blog shall explore the very interesting connection I share with the beautiful male exotic dancer from Baltimore named Antonio.

This one could be a book in itself. This man has done nothing much and so much at the same time. What I mean by this is I feel like I have given our relationship so much more energy than he ever did. Yet he has helped me realize so much about myself at the same time. Antonio has challenged me the most. He has made me second guess myself more than any other lover and brought out insecurities that I did not know I had. He’s made me realize how far I have grown and how much growth still lies ahead for me. Antonio has reminded me of how much love I have to give and revealed to me that I require a special kind of love.

Let’s take you back about 2 years ago when I first saw him perform. I was at a club in New Orleans, LA with a friendgirl of mine. This show featured many out of town dancers, even some female ones. I was sitting at a table in the middle of the room and the most beautiful man I had ever seen comes and stands against the wall next to me and my friend. There are few different ways to describe a man’s looks

Handsome-don’t cut it.

Cute- man please.

Attractive- doesn’t begin to do him justice.

He was beautiful.

I’ll never forget it. He was wearing a tight white shirt. His skin was the perfect shade of dark brown with a jaw line that was perfectly sculpted into a gorgeous chin. His facial hair was meticulously etched around his full lips. He had back length dreads, dark eyes and a powerful stare. I noticed this even though he was not staring at me. (I was not all that cute at this particular show in my opinion) He was staring at one of the female dancers.

In between stares at her he made small talk with me. It was easy to get the phone number of a dancer. Just say you want to know how to book them and BOOM there goes the digits! LOL! That’s what I did. After that was out of the way, I remember asking him what made him stand out from the rest of the dancers. He replied with a simple, “I’m just me,” with a hint of arrogance that was over shadowed by his beauty.

Soon, he was on stage. I had been to quite a few live male reviews but THIS ONE, I will never forget because this is the man that I decided to get. He was a performer like I had never seen. It was almost like he danced with the intent to hypnotize. I could not take my eyes off of him. His body was perfectly sculpted just like his face. The way his abs and pelvis worked together, created the perfect stroke. His facial expressions were so committed that they made you want to look away, but good luck with that. The way he moved was so seductive that every woman in the room was drunk off of his essence. At least I know I was. I remember at the end he was totally nude and smiled as he did his finishing moves. I had never seen a dancer so seductive. He was like a god. At that point I knew I was going to get that man to love me. I did not care when or how it happened.

After his performance I used my typical pick up line and told him I wanted to model with him which was true but what I really wanted to say was “I just wanna be close to you.”

Back then I lacked a lot of the confidence I have now. These days I am very straight forward about what I want from men.

I asked him how much he would charge me and he told me nothing and to text him.

The next day I texted him and some other dancers I had met. None of them really having my attention but him. I love connecting and knowing people in different states, I am a net-worker first.

So months and months went by and I would fantasize about this man. We did not speak at all after the day we met but he was always in the back of my mind somewhere. I always knew that I would end up connecting with him, I just did not know when or how. I just kept writing, journaling and thinking about him.

Fast Forward to November 2013, about 2 years since I had seen or spoken to him. He does a show in Hammond, LA. Some friends and I decide to go. I knew deep down that I was going to end up connecting to him. I was sexy as hell that night, unlike the first time we met. I had on a red skirt and mid drift top. My make-up was flawless and I smelled like love itself.

I was sitting down and I saw him at the bar watching the game. I went over there and we played the “Remember Me?” game, in which he didn’t at first, but eventually, began to. He seemed happier his time. He was smiling a lot and was just perfect in the face. (I don’t know if you noticed or not but I am most def a Face person)

He offered to buy me a drink. I told him that I did not drink but he could get me a concoction of fruit juice. He did and ordered the same for himself.

He talked about his future and dreams. I was very interested in knowing him which is why I asked the questions that I did.

We talked for a little longer and then I dismissed myself. Knowing he would call or text before the night was over with.

After his performance he was making his rounds, and driving all the girls crazy in the process. I have always wanted the man, who is wanted. Maybe that is why I have always wanted to date a male stripper. The voyeur in me enjoys watching women touch and drool over the man I love and desire.

He made his way to me and we took a picture together. I took off my jacket and turned to see him “lusting” at my body. I loved his eyes on me and I loved KNOWING I had him…

My predictions were correct. About 3am that morning he text me “Good Night Miss Green,” as I was driving home from the show. I had stood out to him like I knew I would. I blushed all the way home.

Believe it or not we still did not really connect until January 3, 2014, I had been thinking of him when he text me and asked how my New Year had gone. Ever since then he have been in consistent communication.

He showed me how consistent he could be with his daily “Good Morning” text messages. Each one making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I’ll never forget the first time he sent me a message that made me jump up and down and roll on the floor literally! I told him I really enjoyed waking up to text messages from him and he said, “I wish they could be accompanied by a kiss on the cheek.” It took me about 10 minutes to slow my heartbeat enough to respond.

“A man has not had this effect on me in ages,” I thought.

I felt like a 16 year old who was dating her celebrity crush. All of my thoughts revolved around him. I told you in the last blog that once I find something that gives me a feeling that I like I can become a bit obsessive.

He told me he had an interest in music. I am a writer and he wanted me to write lyrics for him that he could speak over a track. Then he told me that he had a show in New Orleans in mid January. We made plans to spend the night with each other. I was excited, yet wondering if I should tell him that I am a poly woman. We had not discussed any of that kind of stuff so he did not know that I was in an open relationship at the time. (He will find out when he reads this blog lol) My boyfriend at the time knew all about Antonio and how I felt about him. Antonio never inquired about my relationship status, and in my defense, I had tried to spark that conversation but got nothing from him. So I never offered the information. I usually inform and am upfront that I’m not interested in monogamy but did not want to risk losing his interest so I decided to tell him in person.

What I also noticed is, even though I considered myself poly, I was behaving like a monogamous woman. Meaning, I for some reason felt as if I had to choose between my boyfriend and Antonio, so I began to treat my boyfriend differently due to my interest in Antonio. However, I had no reason to do that; my boyfriend was completely supportive our relationship. (As time went on and that relationship ended I realized my distance had a little to do with Antonio. I just wanted out of my current relationship. I had forced a connection and soon after Antonio and I saw each other in January, and my boyfriend and I soon faded).

Another interesting thing about our connection is that Antonio and I never spoke about sex. When I brought this up to him he told me that he was not interested in text sex or sexual conversations and that it was not his thing. I understood and dropped the subject. We were connecting on so many other levels that the sex part would just be a bonus. I loved getting sneak peaks of his sensitive side. While discussing music, he told me he wanted to do a contemporary version of “Make it Last Forever.” It was clear to me that he wanted love. He was also very funny. He knew how to make me laugh. We made each other laugh a lot. He loved to compliment my lips and I loved to receive them.

So it is the night that Antonio and I are scheduled to meet and I noticed that my energy was very shaky. You see, I come from serious abandonment issues when it comes to men that I am interested in. Antonio represented the man I could never get…he was beautiful and sweet, and I was a thousand percent physically attracted to him. This type of man, I could never get to love me. They always stood me up and they always end up leaving me. So I found myself thinking that he was going to stand me up. I had to shake that off. He had given me no reason to think he would do me that way and he didn’t.

So I am at his show watching him perform. Watching women claw at the man I was going “home” with. Again Antonio had succeeded in making me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I was looking at him show is penis to all of the women in the room thinking, “I can’t wait to have that beautiful thing in my mouth tonight.” I absolutely love that all these women wanted him and I love watching him tease them all. That’s why I did not cling onto him all night. I had no need for that. I knew who he was coming home with and my view was much better from a far. So after his show I follow him backstage. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks…Antonio made me nervous. Eye contact with him was difficult for me to keep. His stare was a bit too powerful, making my body language a little awkward. Antonio could turn a grown woman into a little girl. That’s exactly how I felt around him…like a submissive little girl. That was okay though, I did not mind being submissive for him. I had planned on showing him just how submissive I could be. I couldn’t wait to get out of that fucking club.

We get to the room and it’s not long before I’m straddling him…fully clothed. I’m just sitting on top of him and we’re talking. I’ve wanted to be this close to him for 2 years. He’s talking. I’m listening. He is telling me about his vision for his music. He told me he wants to speak about love . I asked him what aspect of love he wanted to speak about. He didn’t really give me a straight answer but when I asked him directly did he want love, his silence was loud.

I also remember telling him that I am not surprised that we are now talking on a daily basis and that I’m here with him now.

I said, “You get what you think about and for the last 2 years I have been thinking about you. Frequencies must match and deep down you and I must have been desiring the same feeling.”

“What feeling is that?” he asked. I lied and replied, “I don’t know.” Sure I knew, but was not brave enough to say it…

So I am still straddling him and I start sniffing him because I’m weird like that…lol. He picks me up and wraps my legs around him and sits back down. It was an innocent move yet wetness rushed out of my pussy anyway. That’s when I told him that I’m interested in watching him fuck someone in front of me. I told him that that’s the kind of relationship that I would want. I told him that I am into voyeurism and that I would really love to watch him sleep with a woman in front of me. He just let out a small laugh. I asked him for a kiss and he grabbed my face with both hands gave me just that. We kissed nice and slow with just the right amount of tongue. It felt so right to be kissing him. Then I gave him what I call “face worship.” I kissed him all over his face…his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his chin, his eyebrows, all of his beautiful face. I am NOT the only one who gives kisses in strange places. He is the first man to ever kiss my elbow. I laughed because it was cute. He gave me a kiss on my shoulder and I told him thank you. I guess I was straddling him a minute too long because soon he picked me up and put me on my back. I had on a skirt so the only thing covering my pussy what’s my thong panties and a small portion of the skirt.

Before I knew it, I was on my stomach moaning and grabbing the sheets. He knew how to turn any area of my body into a hotspot. He was licking the back of my knees the arch of my back and even kissed my ass. He was such a deliberate lover and did everything at his own controlled pace. He liked to suck on my fingers and just explore my body with his hands and mouth. As crazy as it seems, I cannot remember very many details; I was too drunk off of his essence, much like the first night I saw him perform. I just remember not knowing what to expect next. I had no clue what part of my body his mouth would be on in the next 2 seconds. He was passionate yet not rushed. He took his time with me. He had by far the longest and most interesting foreplay that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I had completely surrendered my body to him and he knew what to do with it. Next thing I knew there was a dick in my pussy hitting my g spot over and over again. He was very deliberate, with his stroke, aiming for that ultra sensitive spot on my upper vaginal wall and never missing his target.

He was a totally different type of lover than August. Where August would wrap his hand around my throat and pound me until tears came to my eyes, Antonio would wrap his hands around mine and squeeze. He was gentle with me yet still very much in control. This whole thing seemed like a dream to me. I was feeling like the most beautiful woman in the world, making love to the most beautiful man in the world. This was a dangerous heaven. I knew that with the way I was feeling about him, falling in love with him would be easy…I wanted to love him in every way. He was such a selfless lover that I felt like a lazy fuck. I am usually much more active. I wanted so badly to please him but he reassured me that he was fine and that he had come twice. I didn’t remember him stopping and switching the condoms. My baby was a pro, he came and kept right on fucking. At least I think he did…hell I was too gone to notice one way or the other.

Last thing I remember about that night was me grabbing his strong arm and wrapping it around me. I had become a little girl that night, so vulnerable in his arms. Trusting him with everything. Being so close to his warmth made me feel so safe.. like a child snuggled up to her father. I wanted to put my thumb in my mouth and get to sucking. Soon I was no longer conscious. Little did I know, the time for round 2 was approaching. I needed every once of rest I could get. The Cancer man from Baltimore was not done with me yet… (To be continued)

Copyright 2014 Cidney G. Green